I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
