when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize