i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
i need some magic done to my vagina
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
