Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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