i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
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