considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize