The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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