Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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