Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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