how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
