I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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