Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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