So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
