can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
