She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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