How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
