I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
