CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
