I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
