Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
