Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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