Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
