Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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