Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
