but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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