my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
