my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
false alarm, still single
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
