True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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