Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He did a backflip because drugs
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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