i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
