Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
