Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I want to have your abortion
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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