During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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