____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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