I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
