Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
