I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
