News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
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He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She needs sedatives and a leash
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I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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