I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
