need another drink. this is the easiest way
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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