dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
worst night to have a conscience
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Randomize
