he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
