my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
