theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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