Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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