He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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