his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
