apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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