took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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