How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
