Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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