My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
