He kissed a someone with a penis
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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