lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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