Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
