I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
