So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
