Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
