So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
