I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
